


Rewrite the Stars with Me

by Melladosia



Series: Rewrite the Flames [1]
Category: The Greatest Showman (2017) RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 13:09:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14619240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melladosia/pseuds/Melladosia
Summary: Phillip is a meticulous thinker, and doesn't like to take action unless a positive outcome is likely. He knows that it is likely that his homosexuality will never be accepted, so up until now, he has never even come close to acting on it.It's simply too risky.





	Rewrite the Stars with Me

Phillip Bailey Carlyle.

Do what you please with the name- tarnish it, uplift it or throw it down and stomp on it viciously, then spit on it and stalk away, reducing the title to degraded litter on the ground. But the rumors that circulated constantly did not change him, who he is, or at least, the utter minimum of values that you’d find he unexpectedly holds. Saying something simply does not equal the undeniable truth. This is one of the many sacrifices one must make upon craving the vulnerability of the spotlight. Phillip is deep in thought as he breathes in the air of the menagerie tent as he passes by, the growling and hissing noises making it clear that he is unwelcome. Yet, with time to pass and nowhere else to be other than sitting alone at home, he disobeys the beasts and walks into their home, his vibrant red coat contrasting against the dull colors of silver cages and pale mangy pelts. He eyes the creatures and makes his way from the lions to the apes, to the single giraffe and back to their spectacular possession of four young elephants. Phillip had not been a partner of, nor merely even associated with the Barnum Circus when the animals were brought in. To him, they were always just... there. It was strange to imagine the organization without the animals to brighten the smiles of young children and to force awe upon their parents as they followed performers down runways and did unbelievable tricks. The animals, elephants especially, were sometimes so human-like that one might have reason to suspect they were secretly people operating hulking machines.  
Phillip was a meticulously thought out person. Every ordeal must have a likelihood of success or it was too risky. So, why, then, had Phillip agreed to the haughty Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum that drunken night with only 10% of the share? He’d never realized his blind gullibility until now. The obvious scam was not opaque nor hidden, disguised underneath breathless smiles of satisfaction and constant persistence.  
“Run away to the circus, Carlyle.” Barnum offered, bundled with an award winning, irresistible smile and an excited glint in his shining eyes. An unbeatable duo.  
“I can tell this isn’t your life. Not the life you choose, anyways.” He added as an afterthought. Phillip barely knew the man, yet he was predicted upon by the way he slumped, by his withdrawls of energy, by the way regret flashed in his eyes and the way he built his foundation upon lies. He felt as if Barnum knew things about Phillip that he didn’t tell. He didn’t ask, slightly fearful to find out. Was it really a scam? Had Barnum really taken anything away from him other than his hateful, unaccepting family? The only thing he felt cheated out of was his breath. Nevermind his patrimony- that was gone as soon as he’d played with the idea of association with infamous P.T. Barnum.  
“I think of myself as a pacifist, really. Hands touching a human body-metaphorically or not- without intentions of pulling at the heartstrings, instead, rather, bringing harm upon one…” Barnum paused as he took a long sip from his whiskey. Phillip remembered this day- it was just a couple weeks after his recruitment. He’d set the glass down with a large tink that reverberated around the quiet space of the bar. It was late.  
“Well. It’s quite unfathomable. And you, Phil?” His eyes flashed as he gazed over the rim of his glass at him, shining with the use of his nickname. The artificial light of the room that was installed overhead glittered its rays down upon Phineas, tangling itself in his curls and almost causing Phillip to miss Barnum as he rested his head in his hand, smiling absentmindedly.  
“Oh..I..” He had no response for the man, but he knew one thing. This man would be the death of him.  
Phillip hated the way in which the man could make him forget how to speak. He hated that he’d foolishly subdued to such a small cut. But most unforgivably was the way his stomach fluttered as he hit a certain note during shows, when they made eye contact or when Phineas would throw his head back with the power of the words he sung. The showman held a certain power over him he just couldn’t shake. To make up for the rushed decision, Phillip had taken his cut weekly, setting it aside. He knew who he worked for. His partner would probably accidentally burn the circus down by tomorrow. The man was crazy. He took many risks. He paid no mind to the overbearing consequences that he’d face if everything were to go wrong when his craziest idea proved fatal or devastating to their finances. Yet, nobody, try as they might, could stop the man. Perhaps that was why Barnum had sought him out. An immovable object meets an unstoppable force. Sometimes Phillip wondered if Barnum just wanted more people to add to his will, and that was his purpose. Or maybe it was for his high-end connections. Maybe it was to look pretty on stage, off to the side. Perhaps Phillip would take over as ringmaster one day?  
Unlikely. Phillip discarded the idea from his brain as quickly as it had entered as he stroked the giraffe’s strangely textured, spotted pelt. The man was simply too ambitious to have nothing to put his wondrous mind and money-making ideas into. After all, Phineas was the unstoppable force- Phillip was supposed to act as the immovable object, he guessed, since Phineas was far too vague to ever explain to him his place other than to be underpaid and exhausted. No. Phineas needed an exhibit to set up the unbeatable, fast moving gears Phillip knew constantly ticked and spun away in his mind. It was him that people traveled worldwide to see- not Phillip. Phillip would always be overlooked, pushed to the side.  
Yet.. something about Phineas kept him from crawling back to his fortune, to the rich world of Manhattan that seemed to loom over him wherever he went. The name of the Carlyle family was forever tarnished, and forever a burden to the shunned black sheep that ran away to join the circus. His decisions were shameful, a risk. Despite his circumstances with Barnum, he was happy. Yet, he wanted something more.  
Phillip was nothing like Phineas. He’d grown up spoiled and protected, never stepping a foot out of line or coming anywhere close to having to make a life threatening decision. He knew very well the state in which his partner grew up, indulged in the harsh lifestyle of stealing just to fill the rumbling in his stomach at a young age after his father died, officially leaving him an orphan. When he reached a suitable age for menial labor, the American Railroad is where he went. He didn’t look back as he pursued something that might bring at least a little worth to his life.  
At that age, Phillip was already trailing after his father, who taught him the secrets of wealth and success, stopping for Phillip to take notes. But Phillip was already a natural at appealing to the eye, going from girl to girl in school. He hardly had to lift a finger to do much of anything. The house teemed with maids, and food was always on the table, always satisfying, and always plentiful. Sometimes when Phillip compared his past to his partner’s, guilt teemed at the edges of his stomach and the crimson petaled roses of his cheek bloomed in full, filling him with an unexplainable sense of debt to Phineas. He pictured sixteen year old Phillip, sleeping in one of the very first models of the king size bed. He got 183 cm x 203 cm worth of space to himself and occasionally breakfast in bed, when the younger maids who fancied him were on duty. Phillip pictured Phineas sleeping in the streets as a child with an empty stomach and felt a fervent sense of shame. He had no place to judge Phineas for the quirks he developed over seasons of hardship. It’d gotten him this far alive, at least.  
Phillip sighed and slowly stood. He cleared his throat loudly and fixed his suit, figuring he had better return it to his partner’s office before Phineas got back and discovered its disappearance. Phillip couldn’t help his liking towards the coat. The tiring thought of risks and trial and error faded into the eye-catching fabric of the suit, and instead pride and love shone back at him from the reflection of the golden buttons stitched into the seems artistically. What a beautiful handcrafted coat. It must’ve cost his associate a fortune- yet, Phillip knew that when people pictured the messy-haired, attractively built brunette, they pictured the reds and the golds of the suit wrapped around him as well. It easily brought in more profit, more significance to the title of the man whom was the life of the show. He heavily personified the coat, and it felt like an old friend, seen by millions of eyes but known by far littler. Phillip gently rubbed a thumb along the wrist of the cuff as he exited the menagerie, his attention divided into so many sections that it was like each part of him was a part of a thousand piece puzzle. He nearly fainted in surprise as something- no, someone, bumped into him.  
Phineas Taylor Barnum stared down at him with an odd look of feigned surprise, as if he had expected to discover Phillip here. The glint of mischief located in the depth of his eyes was unmistakable, and it left Phillip feeling nauseated with an emotion he’d experienced before, but he couldn’t put a name to.  
“Hello. Is that my suit?” Barnum spoke with an amused tone, yet confusion started to dominate that of misbehavior commonly found in the older man. His voice was deep and unintentionally rich, dripping scarlet with all the secrets he was forced to hold. As Phillip relaxed from the scare, leaving him stiffly perpendicular to the seemingly spinning floor, he decided that if Phineas’ voice had color, it would be maroon. Rich, sensational, emotional and deep. Dripping with the burdens of untold secrets and politically incorrect behavior.  
“Um-yes. Well, you see, I was just... going to wash it.” Phillip quickly explained, brushing off the dirt on the suit and starting to take it off.  
Phineas was a natural tease. “By going to see the animals? The filthiest place in the city? Ah, my dear friend. Excuse me, but you are likely the worst liar I’ve met. And I’ve met countless politicians.” One of his legs was folded as he leaned against the wall for support, and a chuckle gently shook him for a moment as he expressed his amusement. Phillip, beginning to redden, removed the coat and forced it into Phineas’ arms.  
He turned to leave. Phillip did not enjoy the unwelcoming feeling of exposure. “I’m not lying about anything.” He shook his head at himself, cursing at his stupidity as Barnum gazed after him with hidden emotion.  
“You know, Phillip. Before I discovered you from your plays I considered hiring a politician as a partner. The high-end connections… the vulnerability…wasn’t too bad of an idea, really.” Phillip blinked, creating eye contact with the older man. A light shade of red settled across his cheeks. “Then.. why didn’t you?”  
He sat down, no longer inclined to leave. His partner withheld a small smirk from which he exhaled loudly. A pleasant- if possible- tension rose in the air.  
“Well,” Phineas seemed unsure of himself, a rare sight to see in a usually confident, bold man. “I knew they would say yes. None of them were risks to ask, none a potential waste of time. I truly didn’t know whether or not you’d say yes to me, Phillip. But you are a natural in appealing to the eyes. You are undeniably attractive and intelligent, a rare combination with many benefits. To pass up a chance to have you as my partner would be absurd.” He shook his head, and his gorgeous curls shone in the dull light of the room. His coffee bean shaded eyes were closed. Phineas seemed far away, trying to comfort or confront himself, either one- Phillip was unsure.  
He inwardly sighed, a tide of embarrassment passing over him. He prayed the room was too poorly lit for his deep blush to be visible. Why had Phineas hired him, _him_ , of all people? Phineas was regarded as insignificant many times by the press, but by further thought, one would realize that out of the two, Phillip was the failed child of wealth. He knew that to many, he was nothing more than a prime example of a spoiled, misled member of society. What did his partner see in him that made him walk up to him? Buy him a drink? Carry him home to where he belonged? Phillip felt unworthy of everything.  
“I don’t- I don’t understand, Barnum. You could have so much more, so why don’t you go get it?” Frustration rose within him. When would he ever feel like enough?  
“Wait-Phillip. Phillip.” Phillip felt a hand wrap around his wrist as he went to walk away, and he turned around. He felt all breath leave his body and his heart rate rise to an unnatural level as he stared his partner in the eye, unspoken emotion lingering around them like low hanging fog. He watched Phineas swallow, adam's apple temporarily bobbing downwards before his eyes flashed and he confidently leaned closer to Phillip.  
“You know I want you, Phillip. It’s not a secret I try to hide.”  
Phillip felt a hand snake around his neck. Shivers shot down his spine like bullets, leaving a lingering tingling feeling. He gasped.  
“Phineas-”  
“Shh. I know you want me.”  
Phineas paused, as if waiting for denial. It never came.  
He leaned closer, closer…  
Phillip’s entire body hummed with electricity and anticipation. Phineas’ lips brushed against his, barely skimming the surface yet still sending off sparks in Phillip as he went to close his eyes. His eyelashes fluttered shut. Everything happened second by second. His lips were tantalizingly palpable, ready to feel another pair of lips on his, ready for it to feel right, because for once, he knew it was right. Never had closeness like this with a woman provided him with the slightest hint of longing, a fraction of emotion. He wanted to give in so bad.  
_Punishable by death._  
Phillip remembered overhearing his parents discussing the law against homosexuality, and the price which those who dare commit it had to pay. Homosexuality was no peccadillo. There was no warning or excuses. It had a clear and cruel punishment. And at the time, sweet ignorant Phillip agreed with them and the laws in place and even tried to imagine himself with someone of his kind. ‘Gross.’ he’d thought as a young boy, but subconsciously, the attraction he felt towards women was fake and empty. It was the main source of his unhappiness.  
And he didn’t even know it.  
Phillip recalled when he finally realized that he was attracted to men. He knew the consequences, but felt the hollow in his heart start to thread itself closed. Reheal. And yet, he’d still be killed for acting upon his desires. He could so easily imagine the words his father would hatefully spit at him, symbolizing his disownment.  
_If only you were normal._  
_Why can’t you like women?_  
_You are such a disappointment, Phillip. Never did I dream that God would curse me with homosexual filth._  
_You will be found out._  
_You’re dead to us._  
**_Punishable by death._**  
Phillip cried out, pushing Phineas away from him. He hugged himself as a tear rolled down his cheek, and instantly his partner was at his side to comfort him, looking at him with concern evident upon his expression. The onerous public had won. He couldn’t fight them and their flawed views on his life. He was overwhelmed by the way he could almost forebode the displeasures of the future and how they promised him nothing but dissatisfaction and a world of unacceptance. He would give anything to block it out.  
“Phillip, I-”  
“No, Phineas. Don’t. Just… don’t. Do you not realize what we’re doing? We could be killed. Killed, Phineas! Nobody understands now, and they won’t understand later. Feelings are crimes to authorities.” Every word came out as a choked hiss, and Phillip leaned against his partner for support. He felt broken. People who didn’t know him nor understand him decided how he would live his life and who he was supposed to be attracted to. He was a mistake, an error in the code. As always.  
Could he not get anything right?  
Phineas looked at Phillip for a long time.  
It was just too risky. Too likely to end in disaster.  
His world shattered around him, fragments of what could be displayed all around him like broken glass. Horrified, he gazed at the man in front of him, who set down the folded coat neatly upon a nearby wooden chest. His hands free, he clasped them around his partner’s, who flinched. How weak he was. How powerless in comparison to the world that seemed determined to knock him down. Eventually, the little strength he withheld in his body would be fully impaired. It was not worth fighting. Not without Barnum.  
_I love you._ He wanted to say. _No, I need_ _you. You are my life support._ But what the public would think of them if they were careless and were caught… he shuddered, feeling the wrath of a heartbroken sigh. _But I can’t have you._  
“Rewrite the stars with me, Phillip. Nobody has to decide how we live out our lives. It will be just you and me, together. They won’t be able to argue with that. If they do, they won’t win. They’ll be sorry for all they’ve done to us, all the pain they’ve inflicted. We will show them, Phil.”  
Phillip sniffed, and silence temporarily stretched on.  
_I care about you too much to risk this._  
_We would never win._  
_It’s too dangerous._  
_I’m sorry I’m not as brave as you. I don’t carry around a death wish in my pocket._  
“What do you say?” Came Phineas’ breathy, hopeful, clueless conclusion.  
Phillip was quiet for a bit, thoughts running through his head. He could imagine the newspaper headlines. The disgusted look on his parents’ faces. The authorities crookedly smiling down upon him as he was sentenced to death, one less dangerous perverted homosexual roaming the streets. Phineas was wrong. Nobody cared about what they had to say.  
And eventually, assumptions would be the death of them all.  
He leaned in close to Phineas, wrapping an arm around his neck.  
Love rang in him as he brushed against the other man’s lips once more. Try as he might, like he might try to calm down Phineas’ endless crazy antics, there was no end to his affections.  
Yet they’d somehow hit a dead end. They were cornered, over, done.  
Had they even started?  
“You know I want you.” He felt breathless as he spoke to Phineas. As he slid his hand down, he could feel the persistent beat of his heart. “It’s not a secret I try to hide.”  
Phineas tried to lean in to complete the kiss, but Phillip backed away. He hated the world he lived in. He hated that it stole his happiness from him. He hated the closed-mindedness, the homophobia, the discrimination.  
The hate.  
“But I can’t have you,” his voice cracked as he released Phineas’ hand with a tight squeeze, leaving it dangling at the man’s side. His partner stared at him with a sense of defeatedness and desperation, two things Phillip never thought he’d see in him. He shook his head.  
“We’re bound to break and my hands are tied.”  
With that, Phillip turned on his heel, leaving the heartbroken love of his life standing alone in the dimly lit room.


End file.
